The Sunday Blues

Just like clock work, starting on Thursday I get really pumped about the weekend, and Friday-Saturday it's like I'm on vacation; I'm a totally different person. But then Sunday rolls around, and during the day I usually feel pretty blah, but in the evening is when I start to get my blues. I find it's on Sundays that I'm the most vulnerable and pessimistic, and I'm not particularly sure why. Maybe it's because I know I have the stress of the work week ahead of me, or maybe it's because I have to countdown to the next weekend of fun. Who knows? But it's becoming a real drag, and I'm open to trying anything I can to cure it.

Ever since I came to Korea, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions, some days I'm up other days I'm down, I'm wondering if I'll ever be stable. Furthermore, this is coming from me, an already super-emotional individual. More and more I find myself questioning if what I'm doing is the right thing for me. In my mind I know it is, I know coming out here I've come face to face with my biggest fears and the darkest part of myself. I know I'm going to leave a stronger, wiser person. I know by doing this other problems I encounter in the future will seem trivial. I know all these things, bust still I can't help that my heart is back at home.

So what's my plan? How will I function without being an emotional wreck for the next 172 days? My plan is to seal up my heart and gain control of my emotions. I plan on enjoying my life as it is out here; not hoping, not wishing, not wanting to be anywhere else but right here. I plan on valuing every moment and making the best use of my time. It's the only way to survive and the only way to pass the time with ease.

All my life I've surrounded myself with the best people; people that would be there for me at my highs and lows, and people that understood the many complexities of myself. At some point or another I found myself depending on their strength instead of building mine. And for the first time in my life, all I have is me. It's just me in the room at the end of the day, and learning to enjoy ME, is so frightening. I don't know what it is....maybe I'm scared to be too selfish or maybe I'm fearful that by loving me I'll lose someone I love. Either way it's time I take a clear look at myself and learn to love what I see.

Killing Me with Kindness

Tonight after work I finally got cable TV, yes cable...I feel like I'm from the 1950s or something I've never been more happy....(except for when I got internet). My co-teacher came over with her super cute 5 year old daughter to stay with me until the cable guy finished. I felt really awful because I was down to a swish of water and her daughter was thirsty. After they left, I was like, "okay clearly I need to go grocery shopping, at least for the basics." That usually entails me going to my grocery store which is just a hop and skip away from my house. However, I usually get a 6 pack of those 2 liter water bottles, which are ridiculously heavy.

As I walked in I saw the guy that my parents be-friended during their visit, and gave him a quick annyonghaseyo, (I wasn't sure if he remembered me, even though I am pretty unforgettable) and headed straight for the water section. I grabbed a few other things and headed to the register. He popped up there and said, "that's too heavy, I think I better deliver these to your house." In Korean culture I think=this is what is going to happen. I semi-rejected and semi-accepted because it was raining and they were heavy. The car ride was about 10 seconds, and once we got to my door I felt inclined to introduce myself and ask his name. I thanked him several times in between then, and made sure to right down his name exactly as it's pronounced so I could say hi and his name next time I see him. It might of been nothing to him but to me it was the kindest gesture.

You never really know the impression you make on people, and one act of kindness can change someone's entire perception of their situation and their surroundings. I suppose that was the spark I needed, to shake off my grump-slump and appreciate that the most comforting thing about this strange place are the warmth and kindness of the people I encounter.

The Mid-point

So here I am, halfway through my one-year teaching contract in Daejeon, South Korea. Sorry for the 2-3 month long hiatus I have been traveling, vacationing, and spending valuable thumb twiddling time at my desk during the school break. I have had mixed feelings about my time here, and I am constantly thinking of giving up and going home. It hasn't been easy for me and what keeps me going is the goals I've set for myself once my contract is over in August.

The hardest moment for me was when I came back to Korea after going home for two weeks. The first morning I woke-up and actually thought that I was still in my lovely home in California, but I was quickly reminded of my whereabouts when I heard a loud-beating drum and hitleresque speeches in Korean. It was the celebration of Korea's independence from Japan....could my timing be anymore impeccable? I think I spent the whole day being mad at myself and going crazy inside my little shoebox apartment. I talked to my boyfriend for 8 hours and did a lot of self-loathing. Later on I went out to place my pizza order and saw an American guy that looked like Woody Allen, walking his two dogs with his Korean girlfriend/wife who knows. It's amazing what a little fresh air can do, sure enough it made me "shake off" my grump-slump and try to look forward to the life I have here.

This week is my first week back from spring break, and in Korea this is considered the start of the new year. It makes no sense to me but, let's not get into the ignorant American complaining about the Korean school system speech. So I have new teachers, new students, and basically a new office. At first I was annoyed and irritated that I would have to start new relationships all over again, and become personal with a whole new set of impersonal people. I was somewhat set on my cushiony semi-personal relationships I had with my co-teachers Seo-Young and Bo-mi. Furthermore, I accepted the pin-dropping silence in my office, and the awkward lunches, and me constantly being left out of every conversation. Needless to say, when I walked in Tuesday morning I wasn't thrilled to meet my new officemates. However, it's only Friday and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually genuinely like them. Besides Mr. Kim and I we have all new teachers in our office. Everyone has been very friendly, warm, and welcoming. The teachers are very curious about American culture, and love talking to me. Imagine that, I'm not the conversation starter!! It's amazing, and I'm hoping it only gets better. I can't wait to get back to teaching, coming to school is boring without the zest of my animated students.