Forever Young

"Let us die young or let us live forever.
So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue
We let them come true "

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/alphaville/#share
What does it mean to be young forever? To me it's the bliss of total freedom and detachment of all the stress and angst that comes with age. It means shutting your eyes and floating on the banks of emotion and hope. Walking as if all your questions are answered and you don't have a care in the world; when really none of them are, but you just can't find the will to care. It's forgetting to hesitate and instead leaping into life and gliding through the course you land upon. It's loving with all the wild passion you can muster and believing it is all you need to get by. It means destroying all restraints and doing what we we were essentially created to do, live.

I can't say I was able to let myself fully live during this year. Like I've said before my biggest flaws are my sentimentality and my imagination. I can never turn them off, therefore I'm always cherishing the memories of the past and fantasizing about the future instead of enjoying the present. Yet, as the time winds down to my last few weeks in Korea, I find myself appreciating the life I had out here. There is so much to be thankful for, I should of never allowed myself to be so miserable. I met some of the most amazing people, and although our time here was so short I'm happy to call them friends. They provided the warmest laughs and fondest memories in my life thus far. They showed me what it truly means to live life, to love and just feel alive.

I used to wreck my brain trying to find the answers that would piece my little life together, when all I needed to do was just live. Everything is in place, everything has always been in place, and now I'm falling into it.

Living in Equilibrium

Running on the treadmill is a lot like my life right now. Running in place, minutes seem like days, and hours like months. I always tell myself not to track my progress, because the minutes will just disappoint me. Sometimes I'll feel like I've been running for 25 minutes but to my own dismay the clock only reads 15. All this time I've been running, but why do I feel like I'm stuck in time? Somedays I feel like Korea is progressive; most people are kind to foreigners, most children are filled with curious and innocent questions, and most places treat foreigners like celebrities. Yet, other days, days like this, I feel like I'm in a different time. The best way I can describe it is by relating it to the movie, Equilibrium. Everyone essential thinks the same, dresses the same, acts the same and views the world the same. There is not room for individualism in a culture that thrives on a communal lifestyle. To explain it all would take hours and hours, the best way to see it is to view it with your own eyes and live it every day, as I have been doing for almost a year now.

In class today, my fifth grade students were learning how to describe someone. To Koreans physical appearance is very important, if not the most important thing. You must be rail thin, with corpse-like pale skin, long straight black hair, and perfect clothes and ALWAYS wearing heels (rain, sleet, or snow). Also, the new trend is having eye surgery to create a crease in each of your eyelids, thus making your eyes bigger. The same effect can be achieved through the less expensive option of circle lens. Basically, they are these lens that are enlarged big black circles, and when you put them on your eyes they make your eyes look wider. In my opinion, they're abnormal, unnatural, and a bit scary.



Anyways, back to my initial point, today students learned how to describe each other. The subject can get a bit sensitive because what is pretty to some may be ugly to others, and as I quickly learned, my Korean teacher has no shame calling a student chubby or funny looking; this made me incredibly uncomfortable, to say the least.I already knew what was coming. She went on to describe what blonde hair means and what red hair means. Then looking at me for confirmation, she told the students a story about how her native english teacher taught her when she was in school that girls with blonde hair are pretty and girls with red hair are not. She asked me if it was true, and I said ofcourse not. She was so shocked and asked me again rephrasing it by saying, "so it is possible for a girl with red hair to be pretty?" I said yes, why not....with my are you seriously asking me that look on my face. If this is what they teach them about hair color, it's not hard for anyone to predict the ignorance they embed in their minds about skin color.


I've experienced ignorance on the subject when I first came here and it's something I'll never get use to. Many of my friends say oh they just don't know any better. But in my opinion, it doesn't matter what you wrap ignorance with, whether it's hate or just not knowing, someone has to challenge and correct it. Just as any Korean would correct a foreigner on their culture and customs, we must do the same. It's nothing to yell at someone about, but it's necessary to get a person to think for themselves instead of blindly following. That's one of the most important things I've learned, my job as a teacher is not restricted to the classroom, in fact it never stops. And even though I'm constantly struggling with my life out here, when it's over I can say that my time in Korea was never wasted.

Sinusitis: Yellow Dust Season

For the past two months I've been battling a terrible cold, that seems to be getting worse as time goes by. I went to my usual doctor with my co-teacher, and he usually takes about a minute to look at me, mumbles something in Korean and sends me to the pharmacy. So, after seeing him for the 3rd visit, I thought it was a useless waste of time and decided to let the cold run it's course. What a course it's running! I don't EVER remember being sick this long and believe me it is no fun. For about a week or two I thought I was getting over it until this week when I felt like absolute death. I went to a new doctor and finally figured out what the heck is wrong with me; sinusitis. Basically, I have a bad sinus infection which is the cause of my constant coughing. Although I'm relieved to know what's finally wrong with me, I am so anxious to have this cold disappear. The weather is finally awesome, not too cold, not too hot, just the was spring should be.




May was quite eventful and filled with holidays; Children's Day and Buddha's Birthday (similar to Christmas). I tried to get out and see things despite my sickness, but now that I look back that is probably the reason why I'm still sick now. Nevertheless, I know it was all worth it. I only have less than three months left in Korea, and even though I was sick I knew it would be awhile before I was back for Buddha's Birthday. I'm enjoying my last months as much as I can, but a big part of me is anxious for August to come around. I signed my contract stating I won't be renewing, and I even bought my plane ticket home! I went back and read the blogs I posted during my first few months in Korea, and it was interesting to see how much I've grown in this year. When I came here I was a mess, literally. I was homesick, depressed, and scared to be independent. For almost all my life, I had someone there to pick me up when I falling, to finish something I couldn't, to comfort me when I was at my loneliest. In Korea I was on my own for the first time. Sure I had Dawn and many other amazing friends to turn to, but I knew that I had to deal with my issues on my own. At the end of the day, when I turn off all the lights it was just me, and I had to learn how to be okay with that. I don't know why being alone scared me the most, maybe because I never let myself be myself. This roller-coaster journey in Korea has taught me that. I learned how to survive and thrive without leaning on the people closest to me. I learned to be satisfied staying in on weekends, and I learned that I don't need anything as long as I believe in myself and have faith in God, everything will work itself out.

Being Okay

Last week, or a couple weeks ago I was checking out my friend Kim's blog, kimbundance.com and fell in love with this song, "be ok" by Ingrid Michealson. I heard this song once before, but sometimes you can listen to the same song again and feel something different a second time. At this point in my experience, I feel like I am being okay. I've finally gotten to the point where I can just co-exist and enjoy the present moment without any anxiety or homesickness. Of course, I will always miss my loved ones, but I am learning right now to take advantage of this experience, because time is passing relatively quickly.

Someone close to me said something that really hurt, but was also somewhat of a wake up call. I've never been the kind of person that cares too much about what people think of me. In fact, I thrive on being able to live my life without worrying about peoples opinions on the subject. But, in no way does that mean that I don't care about my life. One of the most important things I've learned in my travels abroad is that, you have to learn to take things as they come. Therefore, I've adopted a very casual outlook on life. There's no sense in stressing about life, and having things all planned out, because your whole life can change in a second. And this is coming from someone that loves to plan, plan, plan.

I lived my life through planning, hoping, and anxiously waiting for what is to come next; and all it's ever gotten me is stress anxiety, and unhappiness. I rarely enjoy much of anything, because of this anxiousness that stems from forcing myself to come up with a plan for what's next in life. I've decided, that it's time to just go with it. I know I have what takes to lead a happy and successful life. It's time I start living it. Afterall, plans are nothing if not put into action, so I choose to do less planning and more acting, living, and seizing the life I used to plan for. I have to start believing that I already am this great person I strive to be, and I have to start loving myself, like I want others to love me.

It's Not Easy

When I came here I thought it would be so many things: liberating, adventurous, exciting, and unforgettable. One thing is for sure, this experience could never be forgotten. As much as I love my time in Korea and being a teacher, my heart will always be somewhere else. I remember the assumptions people made, the different versions they created to predict what my life will be like when I get back. People love to shy away from the things they fear most with negativity. People love to doubt the most important aspects of life, particularly love and success. Many believe that to have both is unattainable. And maybe I'm an optimist or maybe I'm too young for my own good, but I always believed it was possible and that I would be blessed enough to have it.

At 18 I met my soulmate and no matter how far away from each other we are, the thought of him never leaves my mind. Since the day I left, up until now, he has always given me his unwavering support, despite the fact that me leaving was the last thing he wanted me to do. He never doubts my abilities or criticizes my shortcomings, instead he loves me and all the layers I come with. Sometimes I wonder if I do the same; I wonder if I've been there for him as much as he's been there for me. It's one thing to leave someone back at home, but what about the person that's always getting left? Have I been too selfish, trying to pursue all my wants and adventures? At what point does long-distance, make things distant. And when it happens how do you deal with it, how do you make it okay? I thought I'd never regret this decision, but today is one of those days that I'd give anything to take it back.

Koreans Love Steven Seagal

I've been making a habit out of staying in on Friday nights to enjoy my new cable, and it seems as though Koreans are absolutely in love with three kinds of movies: Steven Seagal movies, shoot em' up blow em' up action movies, and a random mix of dramas such as Saving Private Ryan, Titanic (of course), and Unfaithful. Occasionally, I will see a Romantic Comedy, but never a plain old Comedy. I mean seriously, I love Steven Seagal movies more than the average person does, but there's only so many slick-back ponytails, bad acting, and classic 90s fashion faux pas (the jackets) I can take! Oh and let's not forget his classic walk, lol as if he has a huge stick up his you know what. Oh these are fond, fond memories of my childhood, and the beginning of having a deep appreciation and love for explicit language and an unnecessary amount of blood, bullets and guts.



But moreover, watching these movies reminds me of how long ago my youth was. It hit me dead in the face with the harsh reality that yes, even I, am growing up. What a painful reality to face. In the next five years of my life I'll be 27 going on 28. Right now I'm 22 and I often think back 5 years ago to when I was 17. I feel like I was a completely different person then, I wonder if I will feel the same when I hit 27. However, one thing is certain, if I died tomorrow, I can say whole-heartedly that I leaped when others lingered. I'll admit that I walk through most of my life confused, indecisive, and lost. What I want today is different from what I desire tomorrow. But as much as I am a cautious, meticulous planner, I also have this wildly spontaneous side of me slipping through every now and then. I can't imagine I'm the only person that is a walking contradiction, perhaps there's 2 different kinds of people in all of us, we just choose to suppress one. But I suppose at some point you have to acknowledge that side of you, you fear most. It was Eleanor Roosevelt that said it best:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

This is what keeps me going during mornings like this Friday, when I tell myself I really don't want to be here. I'm tired of the snow in springtime. I'm tired of being alone, a million miles away from everyone I love. Yet, I can finish the day finding that in most cases, things aren't hardly as bad as they seem.

Spicy Day

It's Thursday people, and today was "SPICE-SAY" as my cute co-teacher Lana says! I mean that both literally and figuratively. I had a full day of teaching, and it felt great to get back in the classroom. A school without children is really no school at all. I always believed that statement but I never literally experienced that. There's a certain energy my students radiate and I feed off it; it gives what I do meaning and it's the only thing that keeps me going. For the past few weeks I was going through the motions of my job--running on autopilot. Day in and day out I would sit at my desk, thoughts racing, emotions up and down, and questioning what the heck am I doing in Korea! The negative side of me is saying this just a good day pure and simple, but the real me, "my gut" is saying this is why you're here. You have to discover a side of yourself you never knew you had in you, a side that you were to frighten to expose until moments like these.

I wish I could capture the expressions on my students faces when I walk into a room, they light up, like I'm the most famous person in the world. And it doesn't matter how long I've been gone or how boring and dry the lesson is they still have this contagious happiness; if you have a heart you can't help but smile. It was an infectious disease that last throughout the day. One 5th grade girl that religiously comes to my office after lunch to practice her English, brought two of her friends who were with her today. Also, after I came from the store one of my students saw me, and raced down to open the gate and walked my groceries all the way to my door. I had no idea some of my students even lived in the same building as me. Words can't describe the kindness these children have towards me and their motivation to learn. They study literally from sun up to sundown. They go to normal school from 8:30am-2:40pm, and then most parents enroll their children in "hagwons" which are after school English learning academies. Most of my students don't get out of these academies until 9 or 10pm. However, it's not uncommon to see children roaming around as late as midnight. In America, if a teacher gives students too much homework or a big project, parents will be the first to complain and ask that they "lighten the load."

For most of the time that I've been in Korea, I've complained that I was stuck here while all my friends, family, and boyfriend were back at home living their lives. I always felt like I was missing out; trapped in my own prison of time. But my friend Kim said it best, "life keeps moving forward-each and every single day-the clock is always ticking and we can never be stuck because life keeps on moving." So this is my life for the "now" this is my forward movement towards something I might not fully understand. It's a test of so many things, but mostly a test of faith. Can I believe that God has a greater plan for me? Can I take my chances that love is stronger than any facts or statistics? Can I envision the person I strive to be, and live that each day? Every day I get up and ask myself these questions after thanking God for the luxury of living, but in the back of my mind I already know the answer--YES!

Sometimes it Snows in May

Lately my sleeping patterns have been off. I find myself dozing off around 7pm and waking up around 4am, twiddling my thumbs thinking of what I'll do in between 4am and 7am. So after my interrupted sleep I got up as usual, watched my CNN, had my caffeine fix and checked the weather; ugh 27 degrees Fahrenheit. I shrugged my shoulders unpacked my winter suitcase of things I thought I would no longer need and got ready for school. About an hour later I looked outside my door and saw that the whole street was covered in snow! I went back inside, switched coats, put on my earmuffs, put on my gloves, and grabbed an umbrella....so much for springtime! Other than that the day is off to a good start.

Having so much free time has got me thinking of what comes next after my time in Korea is finished. I was doing some "research" on facebook and found this; I thought it was interesting and funny reflection of the current state of our economy and the job market:



This also reminded me of another individual that was on the local news back in California because he was trying to get a job; he stood on the street corner of a busy intersection and wore a sign that said "hire me" with his website address on there as well. The news reporter said after 200 emails, a dozen phone calls, and 3 interviews he STILL has no job. It makes me wonder is it really that bad or is there just something wrong with him?

To get ahead start on the jobhunt I'm periodically applying to positions now, so hopefully by August I'll have some things set-up. My goal is to get a job without the resume t-shirt or cardboard sign.

안녕하세요! (Annyong-haseyo!)

Is My Cup Really Half Full?

The longer I stay here the more, I'm driven absolutely insane by all of the funny customs in Korea. One of them that gets me the most is the lack of hydration. For a culture that is extremely healthy it makes no sense to me why they really don't like to drink water. Having to go an entire meal without getting a drink of...anything is a new experience to me; God-forbid the food is spicy or has a displeasing taste! But nevertheless, after lunch everyone heads over to the water dispensers and grabs these teeny-tiny cups and gets literally a swish of water and leaves. Why? Most of the time the teachers I eat lunch with skip water all together. In my head I am saying, "do you guys ever get thirsty, or am the only one that's dying of thirst and wants to wash out my mouth because my breath is kicking after eating that kimchi?" I asked my co-teachers about this, and most of them respond in bewilderment or simply can't understand why that it is so strange to me.

Yesterday after lunch I even offered to make my co-teacher coffee, since she always makes it for me and I wanted to test out my non-drinking theory. So I put in the packet of coffee and cream and filled the cup and handed it to Ms. Che. She looked at me as if she felt both sorry and ashamed to tell me that I've added too much water, thus making her coffee undrinkable. So she dumped out the coffee and filled it to where it barely reached one fourth of the cup. Again, why? Another example, this morning I had some delicious orange tea but I took two sips of it and it was gone! Talk about cottonmouth!

It's things like that that make me laugh throughout the day. It's laughter my body needs especially "these days" which is one of the many random English phrases Koreans love to use. My days at work have gotten very mundane and counterproductive due to my lack of teaching. I think I officially go into the classroom tomorrow, but in Korea you never know until two minutes before your class starts. I'm dying to go in and teach; I've gone a little insane sitting at my desk everyday from 8:30-4:30pm. I always used to laugh at those people who "have no lives", and have so much spare time they comment under every picture and reply to every email within 5 minutes....well I've definitely become that person. From January to March I've had so much spare time to the point where I don't even want it anymore. And to top it all off it was lightly snowing when I walked outside this morning. Anyone that knows me knows the two things that put me in the worst possible mood: hunger and cold weather. This morning I had both, well tomorrow is a new day.

The Sunday Blues

Just like clock work, starting on Thursday I get really pumped about the weekend, and Friday-Saturday it's like I'm on vacation; I'm a totally different person. But then Sunday rolls around, and during the day I usually feel pretty blah, but in the evening is when I start to get my blues. I find it's on Sundays that I'm the most vulnerable and pessimistic, and I'm not particularly sure why. Maybe it's because I know I have the stress of the work week ahead of me, or maybe it's because I have to countdown to the next weekend of fun. Who knows? But it's becoming a real drag, and I'm open to trying anything I can to cure it.

Ever since I came to Korea, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions, some days I'm up other days I'm down, I'm wondering if I'll ever be stable. Furthermore, this is coming from me, an already super-emotional individual. More and more I find myself questioning if what I'm doing is the right thing for me. In my mind I know it is, I know coming out here I've come face to face with my biggest fears and the darkest part of myself. I know I'm going to leave a stronger, wiser person. I know by doing this other problems I encounter in the future will seem trivial. I know all these things, bust still I can't help that my heart is back at home.

So what's my plan? How will I function without being an emotional wreck for the next 172 days? My plan is to seal up my heart and gain control of my emotions. I plan on enjoying my life as it is out here; not hoping, not wishing, not wanting to be anywhere else but right here. I plan on valuing every moment and making the best use of my time. It's the only way to survive and the only way to pass the time with ease.

All my life I've surrounded myself with the best people; people that would be there for me at my highs and lows, and people that understood the many complexities of myself. At some point or another I found myself depending on their strength instead of building mine. And for the first time in my life, all I have is me. It's just me in the room at the end of the day, and learning to enjoy ME, is so frightening. I don't know what it is....maybe I'm scared to be too selfish or maybe I'm fearful that by loving me I'll lose someone I love. Either way it's time I take a clear look at myself and learn to love what I see.

Killing Me with Kindness

Tonight after work I finally got cable TV, yes cable...I feel like I'm from the 1950s or something I've never been more happy....(except for when I got internet). My co-teacher came over with her super cute 5 year old daughter to stay with me until the cable guy finished. I felt really awful because I was down to a swish of water and her daughter was thirsty. After they left, I was like, "okay clearly I need to go grocery shopping, at least for the basics." That usually entails me going to my grocery store which is just a hop and skip away from my house. However, I usually get a 6 pack of those 2 liter water bottles, which are ridiculously heavy.

As I walked in I saw the guy that my parents be-friended during their visit, and gave him a quick annyonghaseyo, (I wasn't sure if he remembered me, even though I am pretty unforgettable) and headed straight for the water section. I grabbed a few other things and headed to the register. He popped up there and said, "that's too heavy, I think I better deliver these to your house." In Korean culture I think=this is what is going to happen. I semi-rejected and semi-accepted because it was raining and they were heavy. The car ride was about 10 seconds, and once we got to my door I felt inclined to introduce myself and ask his name. I thanked him several times in between then, and made sure to right down his name exactly as it's pronounced so I could say hi and his name next time I see him. It might of been nothing to him but to me it was the kindest gesture.

You never really know the impression you make on people, and one act of kindness can change someone's entire perception of their situation and their surroundings. I suppose that was the spark I needed, to shake off my grump-slump and appreciate that the most comforting thing about this strange place are the warmth and kindness of the people I encounter.

The Mid-point

So here I am, halfway through my one-year teaching contract in Daejeon, South Korea. Sorry for the 2-3 month long hiatus I have been traveling, vacationing, and spending valuable thumb twiddling time at my desk during the school break. I have had mixed feelings about my time here, and I am constantly thinking of giving up and going home. It hasn't been easy for me and what keeps me going is the goals I've set for myself once my contract is over in August.

The hardest moment for me was when I came back to Korea after going home for two weeks. The first morning I woke-up and actually thought that I was still in my lovely home in California, but I was quickly reminded of my whereabouts when I heard a loud-beating drum and hitleresque speeches in Korean. It was the celebration of Korea's independence from Japan....could my timing be anymore impeccable? I think I spent the whole day being mad at myself and going crazy inside my little shoebox apartment. I talked to my boyfriend for 8 hours and did a lot of self-loathing. Later on I went out to place my pizza order and saw an American guy that looked like Woody Allen, walking his two dogs with his Korean girlfriend/wife who knows. It's amazing what a little fresh air can do, sure enough it made me "shake off" my grump-slump and try to look forward to the life I have here.

This week is my first week back from spring break, and in Korea this is considered the start of the new year. It makes no sense to me but, let's not get into the ignorant American complaining about the Korean school system speech. So I have new teachers, new students, and basically a new office. At first I was annoyed and irritated that I would have to start new relationships all over again, and become personal with a whole new set of impersonal people. I was somewhat set on my cushiony semi-personal relationships I had with my co-teachers Seo-Young and Bo-mi. Furthermore, I accepted the pin-dropping silence in my office, and the awkward lunches, and me constantly being left out of every conversation. Needless to say, when I walked in Tuesday morning I wasn't thrilled to meet my new officemates. However, it's only Friday and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually genuinely like them. Besides Mr. Kim and I we have all new teachers in our office. Everyone has been very friendly, warm, and welcoming. The teachers are very curious about American culture, and love talking to me. Imagine that, I'm not the conversation starter!! It's amazing, and I'm hoping it only gets better. I can't wait to get back to teaching, coming to school is boring without the zest of my animated students.

Here is the poem (from Mathnawi 1 , 1510 - 1513):

Who are we in this complicated world?

if we come to sleep
we are His drowsy ones.

and if we come to wake
we are in His hands.

if we come to weeping,
we are His cloud full of raindrops.

and if we come to laughing,
we are His lightning in that moment.

if we come to anger and battle,
it is the reflection of His wrath.

and if we come to peace and pardon,
it is the reflection of His love.

who are we in this complicated world?